I have lived most of my 52 years now without any real awareness of the need for boundaries. Yes, I had them, but they seemed more everyday and common sense, requiring no critical attention on my part. I grew up in a home where the family members all got along pretty well. My parents modeled integrity like very few ever accomplish. The friends that came to visit were respectful. It was pretty ideal actually, even though we all needed some kind of healing in our lives for sure (otherwise why else would we be here having this human experience?). As the last few years of my life have unfolded I have come to find that some crisp definitions are necessary. I understand that many of you have had to deal with this issue much sooner in life than I have, and could probably tell me a thing or two about the necessity of boundaries in your lives. I am only venturing forth with this post because I think I’ve learned some simple things that are worthy of passing on.
So what are boundaries about? As I see it they are simply about honesty. A healthy psyche is not neurotic, i.e. it doesn’t say “yes” when it means “no;” it’s not afraid to say “no.” And another healthy psyche, having heard the assertion “no,” doesn’t challenge it but accepts it and continues to flow carefree through life, understanding that the “no” is not a personal rejection or abandonment of their connection and the love they share.
Seems simple enough. So what’s the trouble?
Our essential nature is boundless and infinite. I have felt this all my life, and have wanted to experience “boundarilessness” not only in my soul, but in my everyday connections with people and things. It was an ideal I set for myself, an aspect of the spiritual path I was fashioning for my liberation. Now, many of you may be laughing knowing how obviously silly an ideal this was, but for me it had never been tested… not until recently.
This may also seem obvious, but I believe it bears expressing: Every “thing” has a boundary; every “thing” occupies space. In this 3D dual existence/hologram, consciousness takes shape as various things appearing in space and time; every one of which is defined by specific boundaries like dimensions, density, temperature, color, location, duration, etc. that “preserve” it as it is for a while; if these boundaries were to be compromised then whatever it has been, it no longer is — We can’t go punching a hole in our roof and continue to expect it to keep functioning as a roof, keeping the rain out of our home and so on — Boundaries preserve certain spaces that are inherent to the forms in our world. Obviously the folks at British Petroleum ignored some boundary (probably lots of them), and now look at the mess!
My boundaries are the definitions I have of my “lines,” beyond which if you step you are standing on my toes, and that hurts, and I need to love myself enough to secure for myself a safe place for my toes. Again, simple common sense… but for some their fear is so much that of being cast out forever into the unthinkable that they don’t see themselves stepping on our toes. Their entire 7 ± 2* is preoccupied with the concern for survival, and our toes just simply don’t enter their mind. With these kinds of people we are challenged to awaken to compassion. Their fear is real for them. They don’t mean to step on our toes, they just don’t notice because of the complexity and comprehensiveness of their self-absorbed state.
Robert Frost wrote, “Good fences make good neighbors.” I used to balk at such “tight, conservative possessiveness.” I just didn’t see the need in an enlightened world, and in my “wild-eyed” way I wasn’t about to settle for anything less; I hadn’t looked at it all very carefully yet. But the truth is that every living thing requires space in order to grow and thrive, and those “fences” help define that space for ourselves and others. As expanded and forgiving as Jesus the Christ was in that life here, he still needed to take space away from the pressing demands of the crowd. I was cruising through life, having been taught to be basically respectful of others and their spaces; I hadn’t noticed that there was actually a kind of “skillful means” I had inherited from my up-bringing. I was automatically aware that people needed their boundaries respected. With permission I could hop that fence and commune with the Jones’ (we actually had next-door neighbors with the name Jones!), and when the flow shifted I could go home and leave them to enjoy their space. Now, with a more direct understanding of these issues I can navigate this world able to say “no” when I need to, and know I am not being controlling or manipulative of others, but am simply taking care of business where the rubber meets the road. Again, it’s simply being honest.
*[Cognitive psychologist, George A. Miller, of Princeton University concluded in essence that the average human being can process only 7 plus or minus 2 bits of information per second with their conscious mind (this is frequently referred to as Miller's Law). While on the other hand, the unconscious mind processes into the millions (perhaps infinite) of bits per second. With only 7 ± 2 bits of information per second to work with our mind tends to automatically repeats patterns of behavior that are familiar to us, and it doesn’t ordinarily see the alternatives. Unless the conscious mind creates rapport with the unconscious mind, we are doomed to continue repeating the same behavior.]
